Aphantasia, Movies, and A Need to Change

I'd always treated movies as if they were real life. Or, I guess, vice versa -- I always treated real life as if it was a movie.

Moving to Westchester, New York, people acted like they were in the movies. It was a finance world, and we were all just cogs in the machine. Have you ever seen The Clique? They were books that girls loved in school, and highly accurate to where we lived.

My first interaction in middle school came from a girl teaching me about popularity, comparing the school to popular films — this was all coming from an incredibly self-conscious girl who was asked to show me around. I ended up accidentally receiving her suicide note six months later, so, uh, yeah, definitely not the best person to be showing a new kid around.

Anyways, we move on. This isn't about that.

My brain works by categorizing things. I have aphantasia and can't see things in my mind. Because of this, I'm unable to truly visualize my actions.

Why is this important? Well, because movies and media -- the things I can physically see -- become my reality.

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I recently started watching the 2005 Cameron Diaz movie, In Her Shoes. I'm only halfway through, so I only have 58 minutes of knowledge while writing. I have no clue what happens to Diaz later in the movie, but currently, she's a hot mess.

She's in her late twenties to thirties, jumping jobs, and relying on her family to help her out. Basically, she's avoiding responsibility and not understanding how her actions impact those around her.

Watching the first few scenes -- clothes scattered around the house, her sister infuriated at her lack of self-awareness -- I embarrassingly saw myself.

For the first time, I had a visual of how I was currently living. It was a HUGE wake-up call. More so, a grow-the-fuck-up call.

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Whenever something is wrong, I just think: okay, let's remove myself from the situation. Let's move countries, change jobs, change partners. Rather than thinking, "hey, maybe I'm the problem," I would attribute it to what's around me.

Just a couple of months ago, I was working traffic control in Australia. I started this for my regional work -- if you're not Australian, you have to do a year and a half of farm work, work in the outback, or construction in order to validate your visa. While it was great at first --amazing pay, amazing coworkers -- I was soon sucked into the "golden handcuffs" of working hard and spending your money traveling and on superficial items. The girls I worked with were truly there on holiday, and I was absorbed into the same way of thinking.

Unfortunately, most of them were in their early twenties, where it's okay to be a bit of a hot mess. Near thirty, however, I was leaving my partner to travel to Fiji and Vietnam, spending my full paycheck and leaving him to deal with the house and rent. Not an ideal partner.

Anyways, back to the main point: watching In Her Shoes and how Cameron Diaz navigated the world was way too mirrored to my real life.

• "I got us free drinks!" Diaz exclaimed to her sister, who reminded her that she didn't actually get them for free — she got them in exchange for men thinking they were going to go home with her.
• Her sister reminds her that there are things in life that are only attainable with real money, and that she's missing out on a whole other side of life.
• Diaz faces having to move back in with her parents, something that I am constantly on the edge of dealing with, having depleted my savings on impulsive travel.
• Diaz is consistently hopping jobs. While I don't job hop as much as her — I like to keep my jobs for at least three years — I'm constantly hopping countries. I haven't learned to enjoy one thing, and I keep running when I'm not enjoying my time anymore.
• She doesn't realize how her actions affect those around her. Relying on others for support and not getting it causes her to fumble. She's constantly needing others, as she hasn't built a life for herself.

Overall, it showed me what it looked like to be 30 and living like a 20-year-old. It caused me to reflect deeply on my own habits.

If that's what I looked like — of course people are telling me to grow up!

Honestly, it makes my behavior so embarrassing, and makes me want -- no, need -- to change.

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In my recent reflections, I'd realized that I'd never figured out what I wanted. I'd always hopped jobs looking for the satisfaction I craved. I would seek out creative projects that brought me fulfillment and what I thought I needed. It turns out, I just need to do it for myself.

I'm starting by implementing a loosely tight routine.

I want to wake up, journal, and chill. No phone until I've planned what I need to get done with my day.

I need to hold myself accountable. I want this blog to become regularly updated, I want to start a YouTube channel, get socials going. I want to have a market stall or shop, sell things I make and design. Most of all, I don't want to be afraid to start.

Having the visual of how I'm living was an awesome kick in the butt... it's time to start living.