Too Easily Influenced
I wish I'd never downloaded Instagram.
Rather, I wish I'd not been living in Dubai when I downloaded Instagram.
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I started my internet journey when I was a preteen. I'd just moved to America, and had an incredibly tough time fitting in. I was too much, too loud, and had a mother who didn't understand my desire to follow the American trends.
"Mom, everyone here uses Facebook, please, please let me have one."
My mother, still hesitant, understood that I wanted it to play Farmville when I was at the library, and connect with friends I'd left behind the year before in Singapore. What we didn't know, was that it would wreck my perception of the world beyond repair.
This was 2009.
Facebook in America taught me about popularity, how images and text on a screen made you visible. This also meant that there was the possibility of being made invisible, and I'd soon learn how easy it was to be replaced.
I remember a photo being posted, a bunch of us in a line. I remembered the photo being taken, knowing I was there, but rather than seeing myself tagged, a girl named Sarah took my place. I messaged the girl I was standing beside, double checking that I wasn't remembering wrong. "Yeah, I think it was you," she replied to me, ending the conversation. I now know that she was concerned about her own popularity and didn't consider me enough of a friend to care for my feelings.
Thank goodness I made real friends in summer camp, but the lashings of Facebook erasure always remained a scar.
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By 2012, I was full-on "tumblr famous".
I'd pivoted from Facebook to Tumblr, which had become my hobby. Somehow, I'd amassed over 30,000 followers, relating to those online. Imagine being 13 and having 30,000 people follow you, unregulated?
Older people were sending me "fansigns", photos of them holding up my url. For two years running, someone had paid for me to have a website -- heyalyssa.com.
My online presence became less of a fun outlet, and more like a job.
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My first week at a new school in Dubai was interesting.
A girl came up to me, asking: are you on Tumblr? My friend thinks she follows you.
This was the first time my on and offline collided. I realized that what I posted online connected to my offline, and I became self-conscious of every single post. Knowing that strangers in real life knew me was jarring, and not something I was equipped to handle.
Dubai threw me onto Instagram, leaving Tumblr behind. I would spend my weekends at parties, drunk, enjoying the influencer life of Dubai. My snapchat became a highlight for others, showing off that I was having fun.
While yes, I was enjoying the offline, my online hobbies started to overwhelm.
I felt accepted and validated, excited to see that I had multiple party invites stacked for the weekend.
I would look at my numbers, my views, my likes. I would compare myself to others, and hide away what I really wanted to post. Instagram in Dubai at the time was all about influencers -- the algorithm keeping me away from what I probably should've been seeing at 14 and instead consuming UK Skins, sex, and sedatives.
Seeing substances and partying so normalized through my formative years made it seem normal. I didn't understand why my school friends didn't care to party, and now that I'm older, I realize that fourteen year olds shouldn't be chugging vodka or smoking half a pack a day. Back then, however, it was normal. Especially in Dubai.
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In university, I found myself using Instagram in a whole other way: to stay connected to those from the past. While still showing off what I was doing, I was obsessed with keeping up with my friends -- people who pre-internet, would only reach out via letter and phone call.
With Snapchat and Instagram, I was seeing what life was like around the world. I was unable to live my life in the present, constantly swarmed by images of where I could be, what I could be doing, and what I left behind.
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When I really think about my social media usage, it had all been a showcase. A showcase of what I was up to, rather than what I could do.
Rather than a creative outlet without an audience, I was so hyper-aware of the numbers.
From the age of 13, I felt like I had eyes on me, watching my every move. I didn't realize the eyes didn't have brains attached, and what I did offline truly didn't matter to them.
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Now, I actively try to limit my consumption of social media. I have the apps hidden and only check them when I feel like it. I wake up, stretching and journaling, rather than checking my feed.
I know that I'm easily influenced, but I want to be influenced by those around me, not by what's on my phone.
Turns out I still love fashion, just not what's in the mall. I still love music, and art, but politics? Not at all.
It took me way too long to realize that you don't need to like the same things as others, and you don't need to make friends by proximity. It's okay to have your friends be mostly online, and followers don't matter at all.
I'm done being stuck in the past, consuming more than I create.
I'm so sick of being scared to post, so scared to lose a mate.
