Let's take a second to pause.

Before I get into this article, I’m going to start by saying that yeah, maybe this think piece isn’t something you’d normally share online. Maybe I’ll regret it. Either way, I want to start next year with as clean a slate as possible, and this is my way of doing that.

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I feel myself changing, and I’m scared.

Not in a jumpy, something’s-coming-after-me scared -- but scared.

Why am I scared? Because for the first time, I’m not fighting it. 

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“I need to talk to you,” I said to my boyfriend, tears teetering behind my eyelids.
“Uh, sure,” he said, relieved for a break from the laundry he’d been folding.
“I’m… I’m afraid of changing.”
“Huh?” he laughed. “What do you mean?”
“I feel myself changing, and growing up, and I’m… I’m really scared.”
“That’s normal!” he said, pulling me into a hug. “That’s good. I love who you’re growing into, and I’m very proud of you.”

---

When sharing this realization with my cousin, she wanted to dig a little deeper. 

"What do you mean you're scared of growing? Don't you do it all the time?," she questioned, struggling to understand the words coming out of my mouth. 

"I mean, I've unknowingly changed, but I think because I always moved around I tried to keep myself the same even though I wasn't. I think I always tried to do what I'd imagined was expected of me."

Together, we'd uncovered that everything stemmed from a fear -- a fear of being wrong, getting in trouble, not being good enough.

My fears stemmed from a deep need to people-please, and a struggle of discipline and self-trust. After all, it was easier to not try.

An absence of effort meant that I couldn't actually get hurt when someone didn't like something. Who cares? I didn't even try. 

While this mentality works in the short-term, it leads to complacency, stagnation, and at the end of the day, keeps you from progressing or facing eventual feelings of freedom. Vacations ended up being my escape -- the only time to truly be myself without judgement from those I know. 

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Growing up, my genuine confusion and effort were often dismissed as annoyance -- as a refusal to cooperate -- when in reality, it was quite the opposite.

“I can’t picture the words in my head,” I used to tell my English teachers, who would insist I wasn’t trying hard enough. I’d later learn that I probably have aphantasia -- an inability to create mental images.

"I can't breathe when I run, I think I might have asthma," I told my parents, who insisted that I was unfit and certainly didn't have it.

I guess I just can't do sports, I told myself, stopping all athletic efforts. Years later, in high school, I was diagnosed with asthma and given an inhaler to use several times a day.

“Why is the equation written this way? Why can’t I do it this way?” I’d ask my math teacher, trying to solve a problem.

“That’s just how it is,” she’d respond. “We don’t ask why.”

One day, I guess she'd gotten sick of my questioning and dropped me down a math level. I’m not smart enough for school, I thought. 

As the years went on -- at home and at school -- I learned to accept that things are just how they are, and tried my best to mold myself into whatever I assumed was correct.

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This year, I’m surrounded by people who don’t scold me for questioning. They don’t tell me something is a dumb question and they play into my hypotheticals. They don’t roll their eyes at me, or tell me that I talk too much.

I don’t get weird glances for not fitting in and I don’t feel like I have to gossip just to stay in the circle.

Thanks to the encouragement of those around me -- and the fact that I’m finally ready to grow up -- here are a few things I want to reflect on and appreciate:

My partner

He’s a private person, so I won’t say too much. All you need to know is that he’s incredible, caring, and the first person to show me what a true teammate really looks like.

My family and friends

As I'm growing up and unpacking, I'm realizing just how much my family has gone through and also just how much I've put them through. It's time to grow up and show them that their efforts haven't gone to waste. 

Stability

I’ve always said that I hated stability.

The truth is, I’ve feared it.

I’ve feared planting roots. I’ve feared letting people meet the real me -- mostly because I don’t know who she is.

My identity feels scattered across the world, packed into boxes spread between three different countries. My memories are fragmented and separate, mirroring the way I’ve lived my life. Each city came with a different wardrobe and a different set of friends. Instead of finding myself, I was trying on versions of myself, watching which ones people liked best.

I lived my life on a countdown -- years of three.

Stability felt so foreign because I was afraid. Because I’d been living my life on a made-up timer.

What changed? Honestly, in addition to finally having someone on my team, I’m genuinely excited about my room. It’s decorated exactly how I like it, and for the first time in my life, I have a place that doesn’t come with an expiry date. I have a room that can be mine for as long as I want it to be -- a real home.

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At the end of the day, besides all this reflection, I think I’m most grateful for the patience of others. The patience of those who've seen the real me and have stuck around for me to make her known. 

I’m grateful for a partner who supports me, and for friends who understand that I can be a lot sometimes -- and that I need a little extra explaining.

I have an awesome cat named Sullivan and some incredible roommates. My friends are the best, my health is decent, and my family is doing well. There are so many people I miss, and so many I wish were closer, but at the end of the day, we’re all doing what we want to be doing -- and that’s all I could ask for.

I’ve taken far longer than a second to pause, and I’m still not entirely sure what the point of this article was.

Either way, I’m feeling incredibly reflective and grateful -- and maybe that’s exactly what the holidays are meant to be.