I want to stay, and that's okay

I want to stay. 

It's okay to want to stay.

Yeah, it's okay to want to stay. 

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Having lived my entire life in three-year-cycles, staying in Australia would make this the first year that I break the cycle. The first year that I truly start living my own life without some made-up timeline, holding on to who I once was, for when I return to my old timelines and revisit those I'm scared to show that I've changed.

Scared that I'd lose the pillars of my life, my best friends.

I'd been scared to move on and let someone in the present refill their spot. I find myself now having ghosts for best friends, ideas of people who truly, should no longer take up that much space in my life. 

Pre-internet, people stopped seeing each others every move. We'd leave the past in the past. 

In trying to stretch my past into my present, it was becoming fragmented. The good was ripping and revealing the trauma, the realizations that these people don't think of you in the same way that you remember them. Or, perhaps they do. Perhaps it's not that deep. 

In staying...

• I'll be able to finally start a closet that won't have to be discarded in a year
• I'll be able to buy things that aren't on clearance, because I'll be able to take care of them. 
• I can make real friends, not feeling like there's an incoming expiration date. 
• I can stop making plans for the future, then feeling like a failure and beating myself up for not following through. (You were literally seven, it's not a dream you need to hold onto. It's okay to let go of old dreams.) 

I'm really scared, but don't they say that good things are live on the other side of fear? Something like that. 

I really, really like my life right now. I have the best partner in the world, I'm living day to day as I'd like to be living, and I really don't want it to change.